World Affairs | SLEEPING WITH PENGOVSKY

Belgium Explained To Slovenes (And Whoever Else ) In Ten Easy Lessons

N.B.: This is the first ever guest post on pengovsky.com. Appropriately enough, it was written by ARF, one of the few people I know who (in my opinion) should be legally forced to blog (vox populi indeed). As you will see, his blog is long overdue. I’ve only taken the liberty of adding some links to ARF’s text and a most approprate picture, I’m sure, but other than that I (obviously) left the post as-is.

Enjoy! I know I did 😀

BELGIUM EXPLAINED TO SLOVENES (AND WHOEVER ELSE ) IN TEN EASY LESSONS

Tjaša Kokalj, Miss Universe Slovenia (left) & Annelien Coorevits, Miss Universe Belgium (right) – accopmanied by Miss Universe Montenegro Snežana Busković (source)

LESSON I : IN THE BEGINNING

WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

It’s Belgium, baby! The center of the European Universe (just ask Poulette), the capital of Brussels (to many an American), host to some of the picturesque cities in the European Union (Brugge, that’s Bruges to the rest of you) and, to just about everyone besides its citizens, a cultural and political enigma. By popular demand, I was requested to explain Belgium to you. And who am I to ignore the Vox Populi?

Pengovsky, my dear friend and connaisseur of certain Belgian beers, is gracious enough to lend me some of his precious blog space to attempt to explain to you my Home Away From Slovenija. If it doesn’t make you any wiser, at least you might get some entertainment out of it. Sit back, get yourselves a Duvel and enjoy the ride (or the Duvel) (or both)…

WHY SHOULD SLOVENES CARE?

Because I’ve always maintained we have a lot in common. See, for one, Slovenija is almost exactly 2/3 the size of Belgium. Ok, so that’s not really a common ground, but we’re both small countries in the EU, so a bit of solidarity won’t hurt. Secondly : both Slovenes and Belgians, well, the Flemish Belgians anyway (we’ll get to that hot potato later) have a serious work ethic. Which makes them both stand out economically in the EU. Slovenes would also be well placed – together with the Czechs – to understand what it is like to live in a country that’s made up of countries and regions with social and cultural differences and what it is like to economically support that whole structure. Which is another hot potato to address in the near future.

Furthermore, I have never seen any more culturally active places than Slovenija and Belgium. Both countries have an artistic percentage per capita that is greater than anywhere else. And lastly, they both like to party as hard as each other. Believe me, what’s left of my liver after five years of frequent visits to Slovenija and a lifetime of living in Belgium can attest to that! Throw the Scots into the equation and you have an unslayable Party Triumvirate! 😀

All of this might seem a bit to random to you to be used as real evidence, but this is my interpretation, and I happen to like it. 😉

HOW DID IT START?

Well, in the beginning there was one Julius Caesar, who, for all folk to read, put down the immortal words that “Of all the tribes in Gaul, the Belgae are the bravest”. Yeah, we’re bad, dude! Ol’ Jules even respected us enough to say so. But he slaughtered our forefathers anyway, just like he – probably – did with yours (except when you’re Italian, of course). Next to Vercingetorix in France, Ambiorix – geographically of what is now the region of Flanders – was the only Gaul chieftain ever to inflict a serious loss to Caesar’s legions during the Gallic Wars. Unlike Vercingetorix, he didn’t get caught but fled to his Germanic cousins across the Rhine. This was the first instance of what could be seen as a symptomatic behaviour in Flemings in regard to Belgium, which is the root of many a social, cultural and political problem in this here speck of Eurodust today.

WHAT’S YOUR OCCUPATION?

Foreign countries like us. They like us so much that, over the centuries, they wanted us to be part of their countries (something y’all down Southeast can sympathize with as well, res?), even though we weren’t really up for it and all we wanted, was to be left alone, get about our business and be a rich region (that pesky work ethic, you see). Brugge (Bruges), in the Middle Ages, was called The Northern Venice. That should tell you something about this place. Being so wealthy, neighbouring and other countries felt they should have a piece, so in sequence, we were occupied by (I’ll leave the obvious Romans out) : the German, the French, the Spaniards, the Austrians, the French again, the Dutch, believe it or not and, like the rest of Europe, the Germans again.

What else did we have on offer, that made this a prime piece of real estate to occupy? Battlefields, baby! What is now Belgium, was everyone’s favourite battlefield! The Purebred’s forefathers are still weeping from the terrible hiding they got here in 1302 but came back for seconds, thirds and fourths, Napoleon got his Corsican arse kicked at Waterloo, the aforementioned Caesar liked to kick some Belgian ass and pillage and plunder to his legions’ hearts’ content, the Spanish raped, pillaged and plundered and fought William of Orange here several times. The Germans liked fighting here so much that they returned to fight some long term battles twice in give or take twenty years last century. Suffice it to say, we have a lot of things going for ourselves in terms of being popular in neighbouring countries besides a shedload of different beers, chocolate and waffles.

SO WHAT IS ALL THIS LEADING TO?

What I’m trying to say here, is that what this country has become today was shaped over the centuries and should be seen in that context. Modern day issues often are stemmed in historic events that took place before the country was founded in 1830, after a revolution that started at an opera in Brussel (Brussels to you foreign types and Bruxelles for those of the French/Wallonian persuasion :P). An opera? Yes, an opera. We could well be the very first country that owes this status to rioting at a musical performance. Rock �?n roll Revolution was invented nowhere else but here! 😀

A SHORT PIECE ON THE FOUNDING OF BELGIUM

This is the boring bit, but don’t skip it, because it’ll be important later on.

Basically, this happened : The Walloons – and not the Flemish for a change – were rather unhappy under the rule of the Dutch King William, who governed over the unified �?Netherlands’ after the French were kicked out. Economical as well as cultural and religious reasons instigated a riot, started at the Opera �?La Muette de Portici’, a nationalistic- romantic piece.

To make a long story short : Belgium became an independent state on October 3rd 1830, but wouldn’t be recognized as such by the other European powers until 1839, when the Treaty of London was signed. Those powers, though, made sure that Belgium got a monarchy that had ties with those of the surrounding countries : the House Von Sachsen- Coburg Gotha.

French was now the official language, and all industry and political power was now in the hands of the Walloons, who had a great disdain for �?those Flemish peasants’. Not until 1967 was our constitution written in Dutch and from the founding of this country, the Flemish would always fight for recognition of their culture and language. So much for this country’s motto �?Strength through Unity’. While very brief, this may give you an insight into the country’s modern day problems between the two regions when I’ll deal with them in future posts.

So there you have it : Belgium, Part One. Tune in next week when Dr. ARF will tackle the uneasy subject of the differences between Flemings and Walloons

Pengovsky’s note: Next edition of Dr. ARF’s most fabublous reading will probably be posted on Saturday (unless something really really important happens). Do stay tuned! 😀

Shitstorm Just Won’t Abate

Just to follow up on yesterday’s post: The three stooges have suddenly fallen silent…

…but it looks like Janša and Sanader are in more trouble than originally thought.

Sanader (already embroiled in a privatisation scandal that threatens to bring down his government) is now facing claims by Croatian media that he indeed engineered border skirmishes with Janša. Croatian daily Jutarnji list goes on to note that Janša and Sanader did their deed via legmen (remember what I wrote about non-denial denial?). Unfortunately this story is in Croatian only. Croatian parliamentary elections are only months away…

Janša too, seems to be running an increasingly unstable coalition – just as Slovenia is about to start its first ever EU presidency in January 2008, not to mention the presidential elections in autumn.

Rop on the other hand is again twidling his thumbs. Or is he? I wouldn’t be at all surprised if a transcript of the alleged Janša-Sanader parley suddenly surfaced.

As I said before. FUN! 😀

Shit Just Hit the Fan

Oh, yeah, BABY! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’m definitely not emigrating, though… This is waaaay too much fun ❗

The three stooges: Sanader, Rop & Janša

Item #1: Government of Janez Janša wrecks havoc in Slovene intelligence agency (Pengovsky goes: disugst already dully noted)

Item #2: Dnevnik daily runs a story on Saturday, claiming that SOVA tapped the phone of Croatian PM Ivo Sanader (Pengovsky goes: Way to go SOVA!)

Item #3: Former PM Tone Rop (also formerly of Liberal Democrats, now of Social Democrats) confirms the claim and goes on to add that Sanader and Janša (then still as leader of the opposition) coordinated border skirmishes in the Bay of Piran, the disputed area of Slovene-Croatian border in the summer of 2004. Full disclosure: Rop lost elections to Janša in the autumn of the same year. (Pengovsky goes: Holy shit! Rop, are you serious?)

Item #4: Janša goes nuts over Rop’s claims, saying that no such records exist and thus either Rop is lying or there was a rouge tap and goes on to say that Rop should resign immediately. (Pegovsky goes: Wow! Dude, hold your fire!)

Item #5: Sanader loses it and call’s Rop statement “anthological political stupidity“. (Pengovsky goes: Idiot!)

Item #6: Janša appears on state TV for some obvious damage control. He states that the spy affair should end soon and that the media should focus on reporting the good economic fortunes of the country instead (Pengovsky goes: WTF?!?… Is the PM really telling me what to report?!?)

Item #7: Rop appears on Svet na Kanalu A and responds by saying that both Janša and Sanader are acting suspiciously nervous. (Pengovsky goes: Neither was he the texbook definition of relaxed)

Now…Could Rop be making it up? Possible, but not likely. Why would he? Rop is not a political idiot others try to make him look and surely he’s aware of the consequences of his actions.

So… Is Janša lying? Again: Possible, but not likely. If you look at his responce closely, Janša is very careful to categorically deny the statement that he arranged the incidents directly with Sanader, as for the rest of Rop’s statements he says that there is no proof. He doesn’t deny the claims.

And most importantly: Sanader does not utter one word of denial. He does say that Rop is acting stupidly, but there’s an evident lack of direct denial.

This is gonna be. So. Much. Fun. 😀

P.S.: What everyone seems to have overlooked is the fact that Slovene spies actually managed to eavesdrop on the confabulations of the Croatian prime minister. If I were Sanader, I’d fire my counterintelligence chief toot-suite…

Chicken

I only caught an echo of a story on Wednesday, so I didn’t pay a lot of attention to it. It was this story by Dnevnik that made me look at the incident again…

JJ and Vlad while they were still chums…

Namely: The Prime Minister was due in Sankt Peterburg on Friday for an economic forum organized by Russian government. There, he was due to meet with President Putin, but canceled the visit just 24 hours prior to the meeting.

What. The. Fuck. ?!?

I’m not a foreign policy expert, but I’m sure there are things you just don’t do. Like cancel a meeting with the Russian president. Especially this Russian president. And especially since they seemed to hit it off quite well a year ago, when apparently a lot of high level business deals were agreed. Including a deal to sell the largest Slovene oil company Petrol to Russian Lukoil.

AHA! A clue, Sherlock!!!

Perhaps that’s it. Check this story out. It seems that Petrol’s CEO is not at all trhilled at the prospect of his business card being printed in cyrilic (although in my opinion going from Marko Kryžanowski to Марко Крижанов�?кий is not such a big strech).

Which would of course all be well had Slovenia been a normal state like…… say…… um…… let’s see…… searching…… ah yes!….. like Malta, for example. But since Slovenia seems to be on a par with Cuba and the US (health system-wise) and Venezuela (freedom of media-wise), the definition of “normal” becomes pretty vague. Especially with this government.

Take Kryžanowski for example. He became CEO of Petrol against all odds, holding only semi-important positions before that (such as being CEO of Slovenian branch of Mercedez-Benz). But apparently he co-owned a car dealership in Grosuplje with the prime minister’s brother, and I’m sure that helped. But just to be on the safe side, Kryžanowski is also a nephew to Božo Dimnik, one of the most powerful Slovene lobbyists, who seems to have lobbied hard for a Petrol-Lukoil deal. Finance even ran Dimnik’s op-ed on the deal (Slovene only, free registration).

Now, it could be that JJ and his government took some intense heat for dealing with the Russkies (Foreign Minsiter and an international menace Dimitrij Rupel was sucking up to Condi Rice at the same time when JJ should have been glad handing Vlad), or it could be that Kryžanowski went haywire (which seems to be a reccuring theme with Janša for the past few weeks) and is dealing on his own.

In either case Janša ran for cover rather than having to face the music. Chicken…

A Kodak Moment Of George W. And Nicolas S.

Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames et messieurs, meine Damen und Herren, �?важаемые го�?подины и го�?пожа!

Just as we think this world is going to hell, something happens to show us that if even the most powerful men on this planet can fall prey to the most basic of human flaws. We are, afterall, only humans – although the jury is still out in the case of Dubya 😉

Anyways, Someone stole W.’s watch while he was doing the ropes in Albania (the country Greeks and Macedonians call West ;)). Watch carefully… At 3:15, the watch is still on his left wrist, and at 3:06 (it’s a count-down clock) it’s not there anymore… You can see clearly again that is the case at 2:45

Hey, G.W.! What’s the time?

In other news… French president Nicolas Sarkozy provided the undisputable proof that power intoxicates. Namely, his cabinet had made a Belgian TV network apologise for a statement by the anchor that Mr. Sarkozy drank more than just water prior to his G8 newsconference. But the fact that he came to the press conference straight out of a meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin strongly suggests that there was vodka involved… See for yourselves:

You want to… burp… ask qest…burp…ions, or do you want a …burp… ment first

It only goes to show that when democratic institutions fail, you can count on the Balkans and Russia to do the right thing and provide one of those Kodak moments 😉

P.S.: This post was inspired by venera’s comment on yesterday’s post.

P.P.S.: A Reuters article claims that Bush’s watch was not stolen… they claim he put it in his pocket.

You can decide who to believe: Reuters or Pengovsky 😀

Some Pointers For Summer Vacation (pt. 2)

Continued from yesterday…

CZECHS

Dead giveaways: Rather tame and unsure. Are on a par with Germans as far as lack of style is concerned.

Necessary beach accessories: Mini-fridge. Unlike Germans, who carry all sorts of exquisite cuisine in it, the Czechs carry all sorts of cheap pates. Rubber sandals. A diving mask and a snorkel, for diving in two feet of water. Low-quality inflatable pillow.

Pick-up lines: “Co to je?” They’ll probably use it to find out what dish you ordered in a restaurant and then order the same for themselves. While on the beach they use broken English, trying to tell you that the two of you can get along perfectly without much verbal communication.

The secret of success: Shyness. Plenty of women out there have an exaggerated and over evolved maternal/protecionist instincts and if anyone can trigger them – it’s the Czechs!

Evasive manoeuvres: That’s easy. Just use a cold stare. They’ll bug out immediately. They are not likely to hold a grudge, which in this case is a great plus and saves them a lot of grief.

SLOVENES

Dead giveaways: Sports-crazy, usually wearing a sporting outfit and always on the move. You’ll have a hard time finding them on the beach or in a pub. If by any chance they’re not wearing their sunglasses, you’ll have no trouble guessing their favourite brand of eyewear – Oakley, judging by the shape of white skin on their face. They will usually drive a bright-coloured car, and when they start pulling out all that sporting equipement, their ride will resemble a Sport Billy bag.

Necessary beach accessories: A surfing board in one hand, water-skis in the other, and a free-climbing rope around the belt, because you never know…

Pick-up lines: “Uh, kakšna bejba!” They used to call babes “miška”, but that’s lame now

The secret of success: Looking fit and vibrant.

Evasive manoeuvres: You don’t want to evade Slovenes, but most likely won’t get the chance anyway. Namely, they’re so self-confident and uninterested in the world around them (it’s just a posse), that you’ll have to draw them a picture if you fancy one of them. In Technicolor. But still, if you do get bored by a Slovene, show up in full make up and ask them if you can surf in a skirt. Tell them in confidence, that you don’t really like sports, that you’re not all that sociable and that you prefer a massage and a candle light dinner.

BOSNIANS

Dead giveaways: A rather loud bunch, always merry and when talking on the phone they always scratch their ass. Inside their pants! It’s a genetically imprinted trademark, so whenever you see a guy doing that, you can be sure that at least one of his parents is Bosnian.

Necessary beach accessories: Two mobile phones and – a smile. Even if there’s only two of them, it feels like there’s a beach full of them. If you lost sight of them – check under your towel!

Pick-up lines: “Halo mačak, što ti je to naraslo? Halo, dobra! Mala, nosi bedž da ti se zna prednja strana!« Pick up lines is what they’re best at

The secret of success: Pure boyish charm. There’s no way to get rid of them roughly. They’re so charming that you’ll find it hard not to at least smile at them.

Evasive manoeuvres: Simply introduce them to your gorgeous girlfriend… 😀

Some Pointers For Summer Vacation (pt. 1)

A few pointers for those ladies who intend to spend at least a part of their summer vacation somewhere on Croatian coast. The rest of the audience – please feel to laugh… At least on the inside 😀

Got it via email in Croatian (later also seen here), so I translated and adapted it (except pick-up lines… You’ll have to learn them by heart ;))

ITALIANS

Dead giveaways: They’re loudest bunch on the beach by far, the most dark-skinned and dark-haired and wearing an entire goldmine around their necks. Dressed according to the latest and the boldest fashion trends. Terribly self-confident, regardless of their baldness or shape (they usually come off younger than they really are). Even sporting a huge beer-belly won’t stop them from wearing Tarzan-style swimmers.

Necessary beach accessories: Every type of creams concievable (pre-sunbathing, post-sunbathing, sunscreen, face crème, aloe vera for that cool and smooth feeling) as well as car keys, even if though they usually walk from the hotel to the beach

Pick-up lines: Che bella! Tu sei bellisima! They usually sound as if they escaped from a B-movie (i.e.: pathethic)

The secret of success: They’re stubborn and persuasive. But that doesn’t mean that they’re single or at the very least alone on vacation. To the contrary! Quite possibly, just a few metres into the shade their wife is putting their six-month-old baby to sleep.

Evasive manoeuvres: A few minutes into the conversation, state that you abhore cosmetics, that you’ve no clue about Shisseido’s latest anti-cellulite cream, that you don’t like jewellery, that you spend your days wearing jeans, that you’ve never had a manicure and that you can’t stand the hairdresser’s, so your neighbour is doing your hair.

GERMANS

Dead giveaways: They turn red even before they leave the shade! Besides being fair-haired and of an unhealthy light complexion, they usually move around in groups. They have no style and taste for clothes, making it highly likely that they’ll look waaay better during the day in their swimmers than in the evening, fully clad. They usually wear plastic sandals. Yuck!

Necessary beach accessories: An umbrella, mini-fridge and an inflatable pillow with a beer-holder.

Pick-up lines: Hallo Shatze! (that’s about it, because they’re very uptight, unimaginative and cold. Except when they get drunk)

The secret of success: None. Their success rate with women is humiliatingly low and usually consists of them being the prey.

Evasive manoeuvres: When asked to drink with them, proceed to explain that you’ve forgot your wallet. If they further offer you to buy you a drink (unlikely), say that you fancy some chow in that expensive restaurant by the beach. After that an uncomfortable silence will take place, upon which say how thrilled you are that you’ve stumbled on them, because (just your luck!) you’re thinking of getting a job in Germany, so maybe they’d be as kind as to get you a job in a restaurant or at least let you crash at their place for a while. Proceed to watch them split before you can say Auf wiedersehen!

DALMATIANS (People, not dogs!)

Dead giveaways: Next to Italians, the most pompous species a beach can provide. Cosily parked nearly everywhere and should wind blow something away, they expect others (you!?) to get it for them. They wear sunglasses even during the night!

Necessary beach accessories: Their egos and a ball. Also note that they never leave the water.

Pick-up lines: “Ča je lipa/smišna ova mala!”

The secret of success: Cool looks. Their eyes, hidden behind sunglasses seem to stare somewhere far beyond, making Dalmatians seem totally uninterested in you. But on the other side of the dark glass: Matrix! Their pupils zig-zagging from one object of desire to another at the speed of light, at same or greater speeds sending information to the brain where it is being stored, processed and finalized. Who ever thought of calling Dalmatians lazy!

Evasive manoeuvres: As they are attracted to “playing hard to get”, act highly available if you really want to fend them off. Immediately state your belief in love at first sight and admit that he’s the kind of guy you’ve been looking for all your life. All that needs to be done is him meeting your dad and you can get engaged – because you don’t believe in pre-marital sex!

Tomorrow: Czechs, Slovenians, Bosnians