Category: Ramblings

Continued from yesterday…

CZECHS

Dead giveaways: Rather tame and unsure. Are on a par with Germans as far as lack of style is concerned.

Necessary beach accessories: Mini-fridge. Unlike Germans, who carry all sorts of exquisite cuisine in it, the Czechs carry all sorts of cheap pates. Rubber sandals. A diving mask and a snorkel, for diving in two feet of water. Low-quality inflatable pillow.

Pick-up lines: “Co to je?” They’ll probably use it to find out what dish you ordered in a restaurant and then order the same for themselves. While on the beach they use broken English, trying to tell you that the two of you can get along perfectly without much verbal communication.

The secret of success: Shyness. Plenty of women out there have an exaggerated and over evolved maternal/protecionist instincts and if anyone can trigger them – it’s the Czechs!

Evasive manoeuvres: That’s easy. Just use a cold stare. They’ll bug out immediately. They are not likely to hold a grudge, which in this case is a great plus and saves them a lot of grief.

SLOVENES

Dead giveaways: Sports-crazy, usually wearing a sporting outfit and always on the move. You’ll have a hard time finding them on the beach or in a pub. If by any chance they’re not wearing their sunglasses, you’ll have no trouble guessing their favourite brand of eyewear – Oakley, judging by the shape of white skin on their face. They will usually drive a bright-coloured car, and when they start pulling out all that sporting equipement, their ride will resemble a Sport Billy bag.

Necessary beach accessories: A surfing board in one hand, water-skis in the other, and a free-climbing rope around the belt, because you never know…

Pick-up lines: “Uh, kakšna bejba!” They used to call babes “miška”, but that’s lame now

The secret of success: Looking fit and vibrant.

Evasive manoeuvres: You don’t want to evade Slovenes, but most likely won’t get the chance anyway. Namely, they’re so self-confident and uninterested in the world around them (it’s just a posse), that you’ll have to draw them a picture if you fancy one of them. In Technicolor. But still, if you do get bored by a Slovene, show up in full make up and ask them if you can surf in a skirt. Tell them in confidence, that you don’t really like sports, that you’re not all that sociable and that you prefer a massage and a candle light dinner.

BOSNIANS

Dead giveaways: A rather loud bunch, always merry and when talking on the phone they always scratch their ass. Inside their pants! It’s a genetically imprinted trademark, so whenever you see a guy doing that, you can be sure that at least one of his parents is Bosnian.

Necessary beach accessories: Two mobile phones and – a smile. Even if there’s only two of them, it feels like there’s a beach full of them. If you lost sight of them – check under your towel!

Pick-up lines: “Halo mačak, što ti je to naraslo? Halo, dobra! Mala, nosi bedž da ti se zna prednja strana!« Pick up lines is what they’re best at

The secret of success: Pure boyish charm. There’s no way to get rid of them roughly. They’re so charming that you’ll find it hard not to at least smile at them.

Evasive manoeuvres: Simply introduce them to your gorgeous girlfriend… 😀

A few pointers for those ladies who intend to spend at least a part of their summer vacation somewhere on Croatian coast. The rest of the audience – please feel to laugh… At least on the inside 😀

Got it via email in Croatian (later also seen here), so I translated and adapted it (except pick-up lines… You’ll have to learn them by heart ;))

ITALIANS

Dead giveaways: They’re loudest bunch on the beach by far, the most dark-skinned and dark-haired and wearing an entire goldmine around their necks. Dressed according to the latest and the boldest fashion trends. Terribly self-confident, regardless of their baldness or shape (they usually come off younger than they really are). Even sporting a huge beer-belly won’t stop them from wearing Tarzan-style swimmers.

Necessary beach accessories: Every type of creams concievable (pre-sunbathing, post-sunbathing, sunscreen, face crème, aloe vera for that cool and smooth feeling) as well as car keys, even if though they usually walk from the hotel to the beach

Pick-up lines: Che bella! Tu sei bellisima! They usually sound as if they escaped from a B-movie (i.e.: pathethic)

The secret of success: They’re stubborn and persuasive. But that doesn’t mean that they’re single or at the very least alone on vacation. To the contrary! Quite possibly, just a few metres into the shade their wife is putting their six-month-old baby to sleep.

Evasive manoeuvres: A few minutes into the conversation, state that you abhore cosmetics, that you’ve no clue about Shisseido’s latest anti-cellulite cream, that you don’t like jewellery, that you spend your days wearing jeans, that you’ve never had a manicure and that you can’t stand the hairdresser’s, so your neighbour is doing your hair.

GERMANS

Dead giveaways: They turn red even before they leave the shade! Besides being fair-haired and of an unhealthy light complexion, they usually move around in groups. They have no style and taste for clothes, making it highly likely that they’ll look waaay better during the day in their swimmers than in the evening, fully clad. They usually wear plastic sandals. Yuck!

Necessary beach accessories: An umbrella, mini-fridge and an inflatable pillow with a beer-holder.

Pick-up lines: Hallo Shatze! (that’s about it, because they’re very uptight, unimaginative and cold. Except when they get drunk)

The secret of success: None. Their success rate with women is humiliatingly low and usually consists of them being the prey.

Evasive manoeuvres: When asked to drink with them, proceed to explain that you’ve forgot your wallet. If they further offer you to buy you a drink (unlikely), say that you fancy some chow in that expensive restaurant by the beach. After that an uncomfortable silence will take place, upon which say how thrilled you are that you’ve stumbled on them, because (just your luck!) you’re thinking of getting a job in Germany, so maybe they’d be as kind as to get you a job in a restaurant or at least let you crash at their place for a while. Proceed to watch them split before you can say Auf wiedersehen!

DALMATIANS (People, not dogs!)

Dead giveaways: Next to Italians, the most pompous species a beach can provide. Cosily parked nearly everywhere and should wind blow something away, they expect others (you!?) to get it for them. They wear sunglasses even during the night!

Necessary beach accessories: Their egos and a ball. Also note that they never leave the water.

Pick-up lines: “Ča je lipa/smišna ova mala!”

The secret of success: Cool looks. Their eyes, hidden behind sunglasses seem to stare somewhere far beyond, making Dalmatians seem totally uninterested in you. But on the other side of the dark glass: Matrix! Their pupils zig-zagging from one object of desire to another at the speed of light, at same or greater speeds sending information to the brain where it is being stored, processed and finalized. Who ever thought of calling Dalmatians lazy!

Evasive manoeuvres: As they are attracted to “playing hard to get”, act highly available if you really want to fend them off. Immediately state your belief in love at first sight and admit that he’s the kind of guy you’ve been looking for all your life. All that needs to be done is him meeting your dad and you can get engaged – because you don’t believe in pre-marital sex!

Tomorrow: Czechs, Slovenians, Bosnians