Some Pointers For Summer Vacation (pt. 1)

A few pointers for those ladies who intend to spend at least a part of their summer vacation somewhere on Croatian coast. The rest of the audience – please feel to laugh… At least on the inside 😀

Got it via email in Croatian (later also seen here), so I translated and adapted it (except pick-up lines… You’ll have to learn them by heart ;))


italians.jpg ITALIANS

Dead giveaways: They’re loudest bunch on the beach by far, the most dark-skinned and dark-haired and wearing an entire goldmine around their necks. Dressed according to the latest and the boldest fashion trends. Terribly self-confident, regardless of their baldness or shape (they usually come off younger than they really are). Even sporting a huge beer-belly won’t stop them from wearing Tarzan-style swimmers.

Necessary beach accessories: Every type of creams concievable (pre-sunbathing, post-sunbathing, sunscreen, face crème, aloe vera for that cool and smooth feeling) as well as car keys, even if though they usually walk from the hotel to the beach

Pick-up lines: Che bella! Tu sei bellisima! They usually sound as if they escaped from a B-movie (i.e.: pathethic)

The secret of success: They’re stubborn and persuasive. But that doesn’t mean that they’re single or at the very least alone on vacation. To the contrary! Quite possibly, just a few metres into the shade their wife is putting their six-month-old baby to sleep.

Evasive manoeuvres: A few minutes into the conversation, state that you abhore cosmetics, that you’ve no clue about Shisseido’s latest anti-cellulite cream, that you don’t like jewellery, that you spend your days wearing jeans, that you’ve never had a manicure and that you can’t stand the hairdresser’s, so your neighbour is doing your hair.



germans.jpg GERMANS

Dead giveaways: They turn red even before they leave the shade! Besides being fair-haired and of an unhealthy light complexion, they usually move around in groups. They have no style and taste for clothes, making it highly likely that they’ll look waaay better during the day in their swimmers than in the evening, fully clad. They usually wear plastic sandals. Yuck!

Necessary beach accessories: An umbrella, mini-fridge and an inflatable pillow with a beer-holder.

Pick-up lines: Hallo Shatze! (that’s about it, because they’re very uptight, unimaginative and cold. Except when they get drunk)

The secret of success: None. Their success rate with women is humiliatingly low and usually consists of them being the prey.

Evasive manoeuvres: When asked to drink with them, proceed to explain that you’ve forgot your wallet. If they further offer you to buy you a drink (unlikely), say that you fancy some chow in that expensive restaurant by the beach. After that an uncomfortable silence will take place, upon which say how thrilled you are that you’ve stumbled on them, because (just your luck!) you’re thinking of getting a job in Germany, so maybe they’d be as kind as to get you a job in a restaurant or at least let you crash at their place for a while. Proceed to watch them split before you can say Auf wiedersehen!




dalmatians.jpgDALMATIANS (People, not dogs!)

Dead giveaways: Next to Italians, the most pompous species a beach can provide. Cosily parked nearly everywhere and should wind blow something away, they expect others (you!?) to get it for them. They wear sunglasses even during the night!

Necessary beach accessories: Their egos and a ball. Also note that they never leave the water.

Pick-up lines: “Ča je lipa/smišna ova mala!

The secret of success: Cool looks. Their eyes, hidden behind sunglasses seem to stare somewhere far beyond, making Dalmatians seem totally uninterested in you. But on the other side of the dark glass: Matrix! Their pupils zig-zagging from one object of desire to another at the speed of light, at same or greater speeds sending information to the brain where it is being stored, processed and finalized. Who ever thought of calling Dalmatians lazy!

Evasive manoeuvres: As they are attracted to “playing hard to get”, act highly available if you really want to fend them off. Immediately state your belief in love at first sight and admit that he’s the kind of guy you’ve been looking for all your life. All that needs to be done is him meeting your dad and you can get engaged – because you don’t believe in pre-marital sex!




Tomorrow: Czechs, Slovenians, Bosnians

Published by

pengovsky

Agent provocateur and an occasional scribe.

17 thoughts on “Some Pointers For Summer Vacation (pt. 1)”

  1. Ha ha ha…

    I guess an Italian would never even look at me… I’m happy that my husbands success rate with women is so low! 😀

    And: a friend of mine got married to a Dalmatian (man) she had known for a week. He asked.

  2. They don’t, Dietmar. Each year, they take their caravans and head on into the rest of Europe, invading it with their loud and rude behaviour. It doesn’t help that they can’t hold their alcohol, which makes even more loud and rude than when they’re sober.
    One of our comedians once had a theory about how the Dutchmen actually stemmed from the Egyptians, and every summer felt the need – genetically speaking – to find their homeland, but because their sense of geography is – also genetically – messed up, they end up everywhere in Europe. 😀
    Getting away from them is as easy if not easier as with the Germans : ask them to buy you a drink and they’ll high tail it out of your vicinity. The rumour goes that copper wire was invented by two Dutchmen fighting for five cents… (and yes, I have Dutch friends :P)

  3. Ach, P., I’m still too patriotic to divulge my private thoughts on Belgians on holiday (excluding myself, of course; I’m the perfect guest as you well know :D)… 😛

  4. ARF, it was the Jews who invented copper wire, I have it straight from the horse’s mouth… 🙂

    Also: if you need to ask other people to buy you a drink, how come you can afford a holiday? (with “you” I don’t mean you, ARF, I am speaking generally and meaning all of us) 😈

  5. It doesn’t help that they can’t hold their alcohol, which makes even more loud and rude than when they’re sober.
    …applies for some Germans aswell 🙁 When they’re drunk, they can get … yuck. Gets worse when abroad (pochards béotiens).

    P.S: It was us (the Swabians) who inventet copper wire. Some people claim the Swabians were Scots who were sent to exile, because they were too stingy. And as we have an idiom: to turn the penny twice, before you spend it:mrgreen:

  6. lol! Good one, Dietmar! Still, we know that saying too. That’s not to say we always adhere to it, mind you… 😉

  7. Well, that’s all very good, boys… But both Schwabians and Scots are mere watered-down versions of Gorenjci (people living in Gorenjska region)…

    A “Gorenjec” was on his death bed and with his dying breath he asked “Marija, my wife, are you here?”
    And his wife replied in a soft voice, holding his fragile hand “Yes, my loving husband, I’m here by your side…”
    “Lojzka, my daughter, is that you I hear sobbing?” he asks, barely audiable.
    “Yes, papa” answeres his dauhter amid tears “I’m hear… Oh, I love you so much!”
    And Gorenjec summons his last strenght to ask “Janez, my only son, where are you?”
    And his son falls on his knees, crying “I’m here father, I’ll always be here”.
    Upon which Gorenjec says “THEN WHO THE FUCK LEFT THE LIGHT BURNING IN THE KITCHEN?!?!?!”

    😀

  8. Well, about stingi Gorenjci (I’d prefer eno Gorenjko[1]), German media have a similiar opinion about Slovenia, but somewhat more general. Note that it’s a respected newspaper :mrgreen:

    A Bavarian, a Prussian and a Svabian are sitting in the beer garden. A swarm of flies passes and – unfortunately – all three have an insect in their beer. The prussian is shocked and orders a new one. The Bavarian: “Never mind”, gets the fly out of the beer and continues drinking. The Swabian gently puts the fly on the edge of his glass, puts his thumb at the fly’s neck: “Spit it out. All!!” 😛

    [1] if not two-legged, at least with nuts and raisins…

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