Trading Chuck Norris Jokes in Orlando

George Victory jammin’ at the Island Dogs Bar in Key West (photo by dr. fil)

As some of you know, pengovsky was in Florida during the post-blackout. To put a long story short – it was fun. Even neglecting the fact that pengovsky was in the Land of Plenty for the first time, there was no shortage of adventure. For starters, I was amazed by how quickly one forgets that there are borders between nations. Even crossing Slovenian-Croatian border is a mere formality in this day and age, despite multitude of problems between the countries. And then one finds oneself suddenly waiting in line with the rest of the world to be fingerprinted, webcammed, quizzed and stamped. Not that I’m complaining, it wasn’t bad at all. Just different.

Then there’s weather. A field of full-fledged storm clouds is something entirely different if it develops over the Everglades as opposed to developing over Poljanska dolina. Especially if you’re in a beat-up 757, running circles around cumulonimbi in a holding pattern as you wait for permission to land on Miami International which was closed for better part of the afternoon due to severe weather. But once you land safely, you don’t really mind waiting on wet tarmac for two and a half hours to disembark. You’re just happy to be on the ground. Granted, pengovsky does not have plenty of flyer miles, but people at American Airlines come across as competent. And so you’re in Mighty Miami, the city of Don Johnson and Gloria Estefan, where aligators and manatees are as likely to hump your boat as you are likely to see fake tits on the famous Miami Beach. Very. Indeed, Miami Beach was apparently dubbed Florida’s silicon valley. And for a reason, I tell you. There, even exhibition dolls have enormous tits and if you took all that silicon and turned it into chips, Google would promptly move its headquarters to Art Deco quarter. But as things stand, you can stare at this tsunami of tittage all day long. Some of those hooters even have their own gravity field. But it’s okay. Really. Miami Beach is about seeing and being seen.

Moving on to Key West, which is more about getting wasted than beeing seen. In the entire Florida, Key West is about the only place where pengovsky would move to. The peculiar brand of humour people of Conch Republic sport is very much up pengovsky’s alley and although I realize that there is a Key west for the tourists and the real Key West, it still seems like a fun place to be. If nothing else, you can pick up waiting tables, join Olga and Katrin at the Island Dogs Bar and listen so some awesome guitar by George Victory (the dog be jammin’ every Saturday). And their tuna sashimi borders on dangerously excellent.

Oh, yes. Food. It’s everywhere. I mean ferfucksake, people! No wonder you fat! No, I don’t mean horizontally challenged. I mean fat. Ef-ey-tee. So fat that when you lie on the beach, Greenpeace people rush to you rescue you back to water. Jesus! But then again, I so know where you’re coming from. Just having breakfast at The Wooden Spoon in Key Marahton is enough food for about three days. Granted, you could just have a salad, but… Why would you want to do that? Not to mention steakhouses. “And how would you like your ribeye? Rare, please.” Corn-fed beef is just. So. Effing. Good. Not to mention that portion sizes come only in two sizes: extra-large and ludicrous. So you won’t be surprised that pengovsky put on a couple of pounds while eating out. And dirt-cheap, it turned out. But you can put that down to a weak dollar.

Speaking of steakhouses: while going for seconds at an Outback’s in Orlando, we chatted up a waitress and the conversation went from gators via Crocodile Dundee to Chuck Norris. And before you know it, there was a guy from kitchen, with whom pengovsky began trading Chuck Norris jokes. Did you know Chuch Norris can divide by zero? Of course you did. But did you know Chuck Norris does not read books, but stares them down until they give him information he wants? No? Well, neither did he 🙂 You live and you learn.

And of course, while in Orlando, pengovsky did an on-stage interview with Richard Cheese. But more on that tomorrow. Suffice it to say that it was awesome. 😀

There were other things as well. Snorkelling with barracuda and having a one-on-one with a shark at a coral reef. Getting pulled over by a Florida State Trooper and asked if we’re from Soviet Union. Looking at some huge gators and space vehicles. Stuff like that. But it’ll have to wait until the silly season when things will go into a lull and pengovsky will have little to report on. But there’s catch-up to play on this blog, which includes an over-due round-up of European elections, ministers who are in a hole but don’t stop digging and a breakdown of negotiations in Slovenian-Croatian border dispute.