Janša to the rescue!
I must admit that I’ve been unfairly critical of the government of Janez Janša in the past few months. I was so blinded by left-wing ideology that I failed to realize the masterplan for lightning progress of this country which was set in motion by Janša and his visionary political allies. And yet it is quite simple. It all started with anti-tobacco legislation which will undoubtedly improve the overall health of the nation. As people will get healthier in general, public health will be sustainable much longer, whereas private health insurance companies will be able to pocket even larger profits, adding to overall GDP growth.
Furthermore, Slovenia’s bars and pubs will now have to attract non-smoking crowds, and according to ministry of health, the way to do it is to start selling fresh, natural juices. And so the estimated 75 percent of non-smoking Slovenians will all of a sudden flock to bars for that shot of fresh carrot/avodaco juice with a slice of orange and sprinkled with cinnamon. But since that will not happen immediately, the government is pumping up inflation to keep people out of bars which had to increase prices of (mostly) alcoholic beverages. This is yet another step aimed at improving the nation’s health, as keeping the people dry will lead to a sharp decrease in liver chirossis and other alcohol related diseases.
This will of course lead to a sharp drop in DUI offences, cutting police work almost by half, which also means that the cops will not need all those resources. The visionary government and its fearless leader foresaw this long ago, and so they decided that Slovenian police will no longer drive expensive cars like Fords, Golfs or even Renaults, but will instead go about policing the nation in Dacias. And while there will be no more drunk drivers, there will be no more speeding either, because people will actually stop to get a better look at an unforgettable sight: A Slovene policeman in a Romanian Dacia. Truth be told, there is a health hazard connected to this: people may die of laughter.
But – moving on – we can now tell that the 15-20% increase in prices of milk and meat Slovenia is experiencing this week is actually a clever ploy by the government to make the nation adopt an entirely vegan diet (much in line with president Drnovšek’s wishes), which will sharply reduce Slovene dependency on intensive farming and promote development of bio-farming, enabling Slovenia to survive the looming energy crisis relatively unscratched.
And so Slovenes will be healthier and will live longer, which means that they will work both longer and harder, and will thus save the pension fund from bankrupcy, all of this while increasing country’s GDP and making it the beacon of the 21st century.
Just like Janša said a year and a half ago.