Pengovsky: A Brief History

If you haven’t noticed already, there are some changes to the About page. Pengovsky now has an official history 😉 Please, learn by heart. It’ll be on the exam :mrgreen:

Cartoon by Franco Juri, published in “Slavna naša zgodovina”, 1991

Four score, seven years, three months and god-knows-how-many days ago pengovsky was found lying flat on his stomach in a cabbage field somewhere in what is today Belarus. He was immediately considered organic waste and disposed of across the nearby fence which also just happened to be the Belarus- Ukraine border. Not that anyone knew anything about borders back then, but this bit will become rather important later on.

As he landed across the fence, a lair of rapidly evolving intelligent earth-worms considered him a semi-deity to which they paid tribute by committing a ritual burning of all maple leaves in the area. The fact that maple leaves were their only source of food combined with the fact that these worms had an extremely fast metabolism, led to their immediate extinction. Pengovsky thus changed the course of history, as these worms were just about to launch a crusade against the unruly humans who kept digging the worms up and feeding them to the fishes.

While observing the burning leaves, pengovsky got a nifty idea, but didn’t register it as no patent authority existed at the time. This fact came in handy to the numerous tobacco companies which flourished later on. On that note, let me add that pengovsky will not be drawn into a debate on whether or not he met Sir Walter Raleigh and whether or not the two have confabulated on the subject of smoke-inhaling.

Several years after the burning incident pengovsky was captured by a tribe of Friday Foxies who let him go free only after locating a tribe of Monday Morning Meat. The two tribes started procreating immediately, but their lack of genetic variety led to emergence of so called Slovenian people (homo sapiens slovenicus) who were known for being quick with their tongue but slow in the head. This feature enabled them to master the art of oral sex, for which they became famous in the rest of the known world (i.e.: the next village) and everyone flocked to the Slovenian people to get head. Pengovsky was named to – well – head the Slovenian people as their Supreme Everlasting Infallible and Superior Head, Master and Politcommissar.

It is not known whether modern day Slovenians bear any relation to the aforementioned Slovenian people. The Government of the Republic of Slovenia has issued several very strong statement denying any connection. Or so they say as all statements were in Slovene and no sane person speaks that language.

The Slovenian people were kept so busy giving head that they forgot to procreate and became extinct within a single menstrual cycle. Truth be told, pengovsky did try to intervene by inseminating every single Friday Foxy, but it was too late in the month and most Friday Foxies fainted at the sight of blood, whereas pengovsky died of exhaustion. It was said that he died with a smile on his face.

Today, there is an individual in Ljubljana, Slovenia, who claims to be pengovsky’s heir. He runs a radio station, moonlights as a DJ and as a scribe for a magazine. His exact identity is unknown, but there were several instances of him being sighted at various press conferences, parties and in general areas where people of shady past congregate. His claims to the pengovsky legacy are dubious at best.

Oh, and if you’re wondering when does the bit about Belarus- Ukraine border become important… It doesn’t. It was only a ploy to make you read this page in full.

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Agent provocateur and an occasional scribe.

4 thoughts on “Pengovsky: A Brief History”

  1. Hmm…odd how nobody seems to post comments on Saturdays.

    On a personal note…I received (my sister, and mother as well) mail from the Slovene Consulate about voting in the upcoming election a few days ago.

    Funny though, during the last 32 years my mother never received one of these notices from either Slovenia or the former Yugoslavia nor have either me or my sister. I guess when I applied and received my Slovene passport we popped up on their “radar” and they sent all 3 to the same address figuring I would be able to notify my sister & mother.

  2. Worms? Death by oral sex? My life is boring compared to the fabled Pengovsky! Why isn’t he a national hero? 🙂

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