Some Pointers For Summer Vacation (pt. 1)

A few pointers for those ladies who intend to spend at least a part of their summer vacation somewhere on Croatian coast. The rest of the audience – please feel to laugh… At least on the inside 😀

Got it via email in Croatian (later also seen here), so I translated and adapted it (except pick-up lines… You’ll have to learn them by heart ;))

italians.jpg ITALIANS

Dead giveaways: They’re loudest bunch on the beach by far, the most dark-skinned and dark-haired and wearing an entire goldmine around their necks. Dressed according to the latest and the boldest fashion trends. Terribly self-confident, regardless of their baldness or shape (they usually come off younger than they really are). Even sporting a huge beer-belly won’t stop them from wearing Tarzan-style swimmers.

Necessary beach accessories: Every type of creams concievable (pre-sunbathing, post-sunbathing, sunscreen, face crème, aloe vera for that cool and smooth feeling) as well as car keys, even if though they usually walk from the hotel to the beach

Pick-up lines: Che bella! Tu sei bellisima! They usually sound as if they escaped from a B-movie (i.e.: pathethic)

The secret of success: They’re stubborn and persuasive. But that doesn’t mean that they’re single or at the very least alone on vacation. To the contrary! Quite possibly, just a few metres into the shade their wife is putting their six-month-old baby to sleep.

Evasive manoeuvres: A few minutes into the conversation, state that you abhore cosmetics, that you’ve no clue about Shisseido’s latest anti-cellulite cream, that you don’t like jewellery, that you spend your days wearing jeans, that you’ve never had a manicure and that you can’t stand the hairdresser’s, so your neighbour is doing your hair.

germans.jpg GERMANS

Dead giveaways: They turn red even before they leave the shade! Besides being fair-haired and of an unhealthy light complexion, they usually move around in groups. They have no style and taste for clothes, making it highly likely that they’ll look waaay better during the day in their swimmers than in the evening, fully clad. They usually wear plastic sandals. Yuck!

Necessary beach accessories: An umbrella, mini-fridge and an inflatable pillow with a beer-holder.

Pick-up lines: Hallo Shatze! (that’s about it, because they’re very uptight, unimaginative and cold. Except when they get drunk)

The secret of success: None. Their success rate with women is humiliatingly low and usually consists of them being the prey.

Evasive manoeuvres: When asked to drink with them, proceed to explain that you’ve forgot your wallet. If they further offer you to buy you a drink (unlikely), say that you fancy some chow in that expensive restaurant by the beach. After that an uncomfortable silence will take place, upon which say how thrilled you are that you’ve stumbled on them, because (just your luck!) you’re thinking of getting a job in Germany, so maybe they’d be as kind as to get you a job in a restaurant or at least let you crash at their place for a while. Proceed to watch them split before you can say Auf wiedersehen!

dalmatians.jpgDALMATIANS (People, not dogs!)

Dead giveaways: Next to Italians, the most pompous species a beach can provide. Cosily parked nearly everywhere and should wind blow something away, they expect others (you!?) to get it for them. They wear sunglasses even during the night!

Necessary beach accessories: Their egos and a ball. Also note that they never leave the water.

Pick-up lines: “Ča je lipa/smišna ova mala!

The secret of success: Cool looks. Their eyes, hidden behind sunglasses seem to stare somewhere far beyond, making Dalmatians seem totally uninterested in you. But on the other side of the dark glass: Matrix! Their pupils zig-zagging from one object of desire to another at the speed of light, at same or greater speeds sending information to the brain where it is being stored, processed and finalized. Who ever thought of calling Dalmatians lazy!

Evasive manoeuvres: As they are attracted to “playing hard to get”, act highly available if you really want to fend them off. Immediately state your belief in love at first sight and admit that he’s the kind of guy you’ve been looking for all your life. All that needs to be done is him meeting your dad and you can get engaged – because you don’t believe in pre-marital sex!

Tomorrow: Czechs, Slovenians, Bosnians

Asshole of the Week

Definitely not my ass, much less an asshole 😀

The setting: Cutty Sark Pub, post-Iron Maiden gig in Ljubljana

The cast: DJ Pengovsky as himself, putting on tunes by Led Zeppelin, The Kiss, Guns n’ Roses, Steppenwolf, The Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Dire Straits, Doors and similiar. Also present are several Iron Maiden fiends, chief among them: The Asshole, age approx. 22

The Dialogue:

Asshole: Do you have any Iron Maiden?
Pengovsky: You’re about the fourth person to ask me that, and the answer is still no.
Asshole’s Friend: Can you put on Whiskey in the Jar?
Pengovsky: Sure.
Asshole: If you don’t have Iron Maiden, what do you have?
Pengovsky: Kind of silly question, don’t you think?
Asshole: Why? I thought this was a rock&roll bar…